Came To Believe…

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Came to believe that a power greater than myself could return me to sanity.

My personality has the sweet side which allows me to dance through life with tremendous delight and joy.  I am happy with myself.  I feel playful.  I look for the goodness from innocent, untainted eyes.

Then, at times, I feel the hard, jagged edges.  I had hoped that with sufficient “application,” those rough edges would magically be smoothed away.  Maybe they will one day.  For now, my world can get narrow with the fierce heat of anger.  It can wind itself into a tight coil that is ready to strike the enemy.

I could feel my lost mind this morning… looping, re-playing, searching for the fuel to keep the “argument” going.  It dawned on me that my personality may never lose this tendency to defend and rise to attack. 

Through the Grace of God, I thought to turn it over. 

Lord, help me.

And there is the window, the opportunity to soften.

I don’t go from attack mode to showing my soft under-belly in a second.  No.

It starts with awareness that I am off kilter… out of synch with my heart.

Oh.

Thank You God for that moment for me to re-orient myself in the darkness.

I think of steps 1 and 2, feeling my powerlessness and the awareness that a power greater than myself can return me to sanity.

Lord, Lord, Lord.

The words of the Serenity Prayer come to mind and I feel them through and through…

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Maybe my personality will always be this continuum of loving and fearful tendencies.

What I can do is shine the Light of Love on the fear.  The willingness has got to be there, because that fear gets into a locked position that doesn’t want to budge.  It wants the satisfaction of a fight… the familiar hard lines of focused fire and then known dark caves where sadness and hurt reside.  A place to retreat and lick old wounds, while the hero does battle.

Loving something thorny, prickly and ugly is not easy.

But it can be done with willingness and determination and the belief that love can be the answer.  With love, there is a possibility that speaks to my soul.  It is the only thing that makes sense.

And so, lifetime gaping wounds feel acknowledged, soothed and held.

Nicola Karesh, copyright © 2014 – All rights reserved.

give it my all

kanuga by nicola karesh

Dear God,

Thank You for this glorious day.  I plan to enjoy every second!  Please help me to remain aware and enlightened as I move through the day. 

Help me to see the Glory that is You everywhere I look.  Sometimes when I see the surface of things, it’s not so clear to me that You dwell within, but when I see with my heart, I know that You do.

May I be a friend to those who may need one, particularly those without a voice.

If today was my last one, my wish is that I come to “the table” with a feeling of completeness, satisfaction and love firing all cells.  I gave life my all… the best of my ability and I could depart with a smile on my lips.

My loved ones would be happier knowing that they got to know the real me.  I revealed myself in all my quirky colours.  I held nothing back. Why would I?  You are present in all of me… in all of us… and we are here to reveal the Divinity of You as it shines ever ready through each of us.

Thank You for this day.  I commit to give it my all.

Love,

Nicola

Loving Arms


Loving Arms
by Nicola G. Karesh

I have had occasion recently to feel horrified by our sometimes violent nature and our capacity to do harm to each other.  The balancing or neutralizing factor that brings me home to a feeling of stability, is the strong presence of the witness nature.  I can feel this steady, solid energy that is untouched, unphased and is a place for me to fall back into.  Loving arms.

I have seen the depths of our depravity and I can pass no judgment, for I’ve been there.  I have felt anger take hold of me and I not want to let go.

So, while there is a horrified “I can’t believe this,” I can believe it.  I have felt it.  I can imagine getting to that extreme level.  Once again I breathe, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

In a moment of unconsciousness I join you.  I am you.

Breathing a sigh.  Identification, understanding and yes, sweet compassion.

I move my attention to the stillness of awareness that I feel “in the distance.”  Awareness is neutral… passing no judgment and holding no opinion.

I bring myself closer to sink into the rock steady Source that is always here.

I should always rest in this vital energy.  The horror is gone and I feel a brother… myself… making our way back to the light.  Keeping the channels of love and inclusion open, we all stand a chance of turning around and making the journey home.  For some it will be short and for others, a long and arduous trek through stony ground.  But even in rocky soil, a flower can push up and emerge.  There are always cracks in the surface for life force to spring forth.  I’ve seen it.  I’ve done it.

I see us making a long, unending chain of connection with all of creation.  “Hands” touching each other until the “last one” feels the inspiration and inclination to turn around and come home to us.

Sometimes it is me who is the dreaded enemy behaving abominably.  Sometimes it is you.  There are days when we lose our head, our footing, our vision and we falter, stumble and crash.  There are always second chances.  On the million and oneth time that we miss the mark, awareness beams steady and bright.  The opportunity to come to our senses eludes no one.  Even in death, a fallen angel can come home.  Thank God.

Leave no one out in your prayers. .. not even the darkest souls.  They too can enter the healing night.

I feel us coming home.  Join me in holding sacred space for us all to come home.

A couple hours later, sitting, playing cards with my son… my daughter reading to the side, I have a clear vision of the spectrum of choice.  Paths that are always open to us.  I can feel the all-encompassing “purity” of Source Energy.  Divine innocence and light to my left.  To the far right, the closed off heart space of unawareness and ignorance of being.  “Steps” in either direction will take you somewhere entirely different.

A vision of turning and walking in the opposite direction, against the flow of automated  soldiers.  The strengthening as I come home to a feeling of Source Energy.

Nicola G. Karesh, copyright © 2011 – All rights reserved.
(author of Morning Glory: Poetry And Reflections