Came To Believe…

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Came to believe that a power greater than myself could return me to sanity.

My personality has the sweet side which allows me to dance through life with tremendous delight and joy.  I am happy with myself.  I feel playful.  I look for the goodness from innocent, untainted eyes.

Then, at times, I feel the hard, jagged edges.  I had hoped that with sufficient “application,” those rough edges would magically be smoothed away.  Maybe they will one day.  For now, my world can get narrow with the fierce heat of anger.  It can wind itself into a tight coil that is ready to strike the enemy.

I could feel my lost mind this morning… looping, re-playing, searching for the fuel to keep the “argument” going.  It dawned on me that my personality may never lose this tendency to defend and rise to attack. 

Through the Grace of God, I thought to turn it over. 

Lord, help me.

And there is the window, the opportunity to soften.

I don’t go from attack mode to showing my soft under-belly in a second.  No.

It starts with awareness that I am off kilter… out of synch with my heart.

Oh.

Thank You God for that moment for me to re-orient myself in the darkness.

I think of steps 1 and 2, feeling my powerlessness and the awareness that a power greater than myself can return me to sanity.

Lord, Lord, Lord.

The words of the Serenity Prayer come to mind and I feel them through and through…

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Maybe my personality will always be this continuum of loving and fearful tendencies.

What I can do is shine the Light of Love on the fear.  The willingness has got to be there, because that fear gets into a locked position that doesn’t want to budge.  It wants the satisfaction of a fight… the familiar hard lines of focused fire and then known dark caves where sadness and hurt reside.  A place to retreat and lick old wounds, while the hero does battle.

Loving something thorny, prickly and ugly is not easy.

But it can be done with willingness and determination and the belief that love can be the answer.  With love, there is a possibility that speaks to my soul.  It is the only thing that makes sense.

And so, lifetime gaping wounds feel acknowledged, soothed and held.

Nicola Karesh, copyright © 2014 – All rights reserved.

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keep it simple

keep it simple by Nicola G. Karesh

Having the kind of day where ego is so resilient, like that energiser bunny that fails to just STOP!

Maybe the lesson on humbleness sailed right over my head.  Am I so insecure that I try so hard to be remarkable… extraordinary?

I don’t understand.  The message is given so many times that you really are quite ordinary.  Look at all the other amazing things people write.

You think you have the corner market on being special?  Talented?

One day, long ago, your heart was broken as loving yourself was deemed selfish.

Maybe you’re so afraid to fade into the less than… the mediocre sidelines.  You lived there a long time ago and the memory is right on the edge… the one you keep skirting…  the edge called plain, old Joe that you keep dancing away from. 

Today, maybe it’s time to let go of any kind of self-importance. The ordinary, simple, and plain feel like a forgiving cushion to rest on.

Nicola G. Karesh, copyright © 2012 – All rights reserved.